Okay it’s time to grab your bottle, yes your bottle, of Cabernet because this one is going to be juicy! Ever since I came up with the idea of doing a blog, I struggled with using relationships as content; specifically my own. I’ve always been an open book, to a certain extent, but sharing my personal business was never it. However, with a topic like this my experience could very well help someone else…. So here goes nothing….
I was in a relationship for 4 years with my high school sweetheart. I loved him endlessly, with everything I had in me. We did everything together! We traveled together, shared date night, planned our future together, started new traditions together; whatever you could think of we did it. I was so in love that I started to forget who I was, and I can’t speak for him, but I think he was feeling the same way. For each time that we laughed, we argued. For each time we said, “I love you” we said, “I’m done!” Breakups were becoming more common than dates. We learned to put a Band-Aid over the wounds and put a smile on towards each other that said “I’m hurting, but for the sake of not arguing I’ll just say—“It’s all good, I’m just tripping.” (Now don’t get me wrong, we’ve shared some amazing moments together and it wasn’t always this bad!) This went on for about 2 years of the relationship, between the transition of college, not seeing each other all of the time, infidelity, and the lies we were just slowing breaking each other down. It didn’t get bad until one year ago, and shockingly IT WASN’T BECAUSE OF HIM! He had changed everything for me, and we were on the right track, but of course as women we think too hard into things and always think that someone is “playing” us. Looking back now from having already experiencing it, I can honestly say that I was trying to mold him into my ideal man when he was already that! Yeah, he had flaws, he messed up, but so did I! I can remember when my grandmother passed away, I became so angry towards him, because I felt like he wasn’t being there for me the way I needed him to be! I loved his presence, but the things he was doing to “be there for me” just wasn’t enough (or so I thought) Looking back now, I feel like a fool for the way I treated him. It took death, almost a year of being apart, and a trip to New York alone for me to realize that throughout our entire relationship I wasn’t accepting of his truth. He had his way of dealing with things and I had mine, the way he chose to “be there for me” was his truth! He was doing the best he could, for the point he was at in life, and for me to act as though it wasn’t enough was childish! Now this is NOT moment to bash myself, because he did his fair share of BS too! I mean really, I stayed around through some tough stuff, that most people would have folded on cheating, lying, me being blamed for his fails…. but looking back I wouldn’t change a thing. I loved our experiences together, we learned so much from each other. So, you’re probably saying, “Ashley, thanks for the tea and all but what does this have to do with me?” I’m glad you asked, sis! After we broke up, I was heart-broken especially knowing that it was all my fault. I went through the nights of crying my eyes out, texting him and being rejected, and even doing popups here and there (God is still working on me) until I realized how bad I was bringing myself down. Y'all, I can’t even tell you how bad it had gotten, and I knew he knew that I was watching him. Because it felt like for every time, I thought I was picking myself back up, he would do or say something that would add another stab to my already bleeding wound. I hated to see him move on, because I knew how attached I was… but as young women, we have to learn how to get to the point where we say enough is enough (or we at least fake it until we make it) We don’t need a man for validation! We are fearfully and wonderfully made, and whether or not we’re with this person or not we’ll still shine! If anything, this was a time to pick myself up and figure out who I was again. So often, as young men and women, we graduate high school dating the person who we fell in love with as freshman’s, but quickly find that once life hits the love you two once shared starts to be overshadowed by all of your new possibilities. College, moving away, new jobs, meeting new people, and it all becomes so overwhelming that you lose yourself trying to balance all of that and your relationship. Well I’m here to tell you that it’s possible to pick yourself back up after everything! If I did it, so can you! Listen sis, the best thing for you to do in this transition to the single life is to BOSS UP! AND I MEAN THAT IN THE MOST RATCHET WAY POSSIBLE! I think that one of the worse disservices we can do to ourselves, as young folks, is get so wrapped up in relationships that we forget about who we are and what we want to accomplish. I’m not saying that the transition is going to be easy, but I can promise you that it will be worth it! 1. Delete that number sis!!!!! That’s right, go to your contacts, remove the emojis and delete the number! At this point we both know that you have it memorized. You know their number, what their voicemail says, how many times they’ve changed it, and how many rings it takes before they answer. Let go! Ask yourself “why am I keeping them in my contact list?” How is this benefitting me? So many times, I wish I had deleted his number sooner, because all I did was use it during a drunk night, and what did he do? Looked at the text and kept it moving. Stop making yourself look silly, sis! 2. You might hate me after this, but those pictures you’ve been saving... yeah, those gotta go too sis! I know, I know you’re probably ready to cuss me out, but listen one night I had a little too much to drink (let’s keep it real) and I burned every picture we had ever taken together! Except for 3 lonely pictures and cards that happened to be hiding. When the swelling went down, it hurt but it helped with my journey of moving on. Now I don’t recommend burning them, but I would say gather everything and put it in a box. Then hide it away in a place that you don’t normally think about. You can never start your journey or process of moving on if you’re constantly reminded of the pain. 3. UNFOLLOW/UNFRIEND them on social media! Yes, that means Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and hell even Pinterest! Do it NOW! One of the worst things that both he and I did to each other was continuing to watch each other stories after we had broken up. Now, he liked to block me lol (hey that’s his truth) but he couldn’t stay away too long; he always came back to viewing them. And while we may want to be nosey and see if the other person is posting some juicy tea about their new boo, it’s so unhealthy! I would find out things and put two and two together about things and find myself pissed off all over again. And for what? A man that clearly didn’t want me anymore?? Someone who didn’t care about how their post made me feel. Man y’all, we got into a few arguments AFTER the breakup because of things we had posted… it would be so bad that we started saying “yeah, people been telling me about this and that” knowing damn well we had just seen it on each other’s story. So, I said all of that to say, DELETE THEM! 4. Don’t be afraid to have conversation with people of the opposite sex! I think that this is so important to understand, as young folks! I can only speak for myself in saying this, but guys would ask me out or ask for my number and I would be so afraid because of what “he” would think if he saw me. I know I can’t be the only one feeling this way… after being with someone for such a long time, it becomes difficult to get back into the world and learn how to just have fun again (not saying that relationships aren’t) as a single person. So, all through my healing process I would decline every guy that even looked my way. There was still an innocence about me that was saying “not yet sis! Just wait... your time will come” Now, I have talked to other guys in this time of separation, but there’s still a part of me that’s saying, “step back sis” So let’s work on this together Y’all! Because what we fail to realize is that no matter what, life goes on. You may not want to be cordial with someone else, but you better believe that your X is DEFINETELY talking to someone else. Don’t rush it though, sis, we don’t do rebounds… go out with your girls! Have fun! 5. Stop comparing your potential candidates to your ex. Whew child, God is still working on me with this one. I told Y’all, we did EVERYTHING together! When I say my man took care of me, he made sure that I never lifted a finger for anything; even when I wanted to! Now don’t get me wrong, materialistic things are extra—sis can cash out on herself, but it’s something about a man taking care of you!!!! So when guys approach me and their swag isn’t like his, they aren’t offering the same stability that he did, and we’re just not aligning the way he and I used to…... I’m not gonna lie, I BLOCK, REMOVE, AND DELETE. HOWEVER, we have to stop doing this ladies, because the more you compare the more you’re hindering the potential candidate from being all that they can be for you. Trust me when I tell you, they are two different people. What your X gave you is not what your new boo can and vice versa! 6. Last point for today, because I’m feeling a part two coming on…. STOP BEING UPSET WITH THEIR NEW BOO!!!! THEY DIDN’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT YOU SIS AND EVEN IF THEY DID, YOUR X HAD TO BE TELLING THEM SOMETHING DIFFERENT THEN WHAT IT WAS. Your beef/issue is not with the new chick, it’s with your X. And I’m going to leave that right there. I want you guys to know that this process is not easy, and it won’t get easier, but I promise you the second that you realize that you have to move on for you the better off you will be. I should say, as a disclaimer, I am not bashing men or women, I’m not bashing my ex-boyfriend, and I don’t have all of the answers; but I am here to be a vessel and to offer up things that helped me and are still helping me with my journey. I know you’re probably like “wait sis! I wanted more!” I can’t leave yall hanging like that, so don’t trip! This is just part one! We’ll finish this tea party, because I’m sure you’re wondering where I’m at in my journey and if he and I are on speaking terms…. Well you’ll just have to wait until I get permission for part two *wink wink*
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Hey girl, hey!Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog! It is my hope that something I say moves you to be the best you that you can be! And as always, remember in wine there's truth! Categories
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