Growing up, I was fortunate enough to be raised in a household full of strong, black womyn. Black womyn who meant what they said and didn't take sh*t from anyone! These black, independent womyn took the morals and values that were instilled in them, and graciously passed them down to me. Being a black womyn in society is one of the hardest and scariest things that I have encountered, next to being a black womyn attending a PWI to pursue a medical profession. In a world where the womyn is seen as inferior to the man, I have to wonder what then is the place of the black womyn. In a world where we can't even identify as being a woMAN without acknowledging a man, how do we define being a black woman in the 21st century America?
I am forever grateful and thankful for what impact Sojourner Truth's work had on my life and the climate of Women's Rights movement today, so I decided to dive into her perspective on what it meant to be a womyn; a black womyn. And even though she had such stern tone and following of supporters, her original meaning of "Ain't I a Womyn" was quickly derailed by someone who should have been uplifting her and carrying her through this movement; another womyn. It is my hope that as you take this journey through Women's Rights with me, that you learn to truly appreciate the role of a womyn and what it means to not only be a womyn, but a black womyn in America. Sojourner Truth, born as Isabella Baumfree in 1797, was enslaved by a Dutch family just outside of New York City. Truth and her family could not read or write, but very quickly learned to primarily speak the Dutch language. It was not until about 1826 that Truth was able to escape to freedom with her younger son, leaving behind two children whom she would come back to get. Truth is most famously known for her involvement in the abolition of slavery and her participation in the 19th century Women's Rights Movement. In 1851, for the first time as an African American woman, Truth stood before millions and gave her famous speech, "Ain't I a Woman," at the Women's Rights Convention. And although known for its impact on such a great movement, the speech as we know it today was not the original text. In fact, researchers believe that wording and context was changed by a woman named Frances Dana Barker Gage. When asked why she made such changes, Gage stated that Truth's speech wasn't "strong" enough for such a movement; and her version was more "palpable" to Americans. It's ironic enough that during a time period where women should have been building each other up and paving the way for more women activists, Gage does just the complete opposite. To me, it sounds a lot like our current climate in America today. We praise the thought of tearing another womyn down but refuse to that same womyn for doing something that will benefit womyn all over the world. Is it not our job to help build each other up? What role do women actually play in society? And before all of that is considered, how do we define being a 21st-century womyn? Quote (the actual word quote will not be here, but the formatting is weird on this site so you won't be able to see how it'll actually look until I officially post) Being a woman means being supportive, nurturing (whether or not she has her own children) and spending most of your life proving to society that being a woman is the same thing as being a human. (Side note: Fu*k gender roles! Lol) -A wife and mother of 4 "What defines being a woman?" “A woman should be helped into carriages. Well, Ain’t I a woman?” During the late 18th century and early 19th century, women were seen as the glue that kept their households together. Women were strictly confined to the four walls of their homes, making sure that the children were fed, homework was complete, the house was clean, and dinner was ready for the family by a certain time each day. Women were seen as the shadows of their husbands and nothing more. They were not allowed to get an education beyond the basics, which gave them a disadvantage when it came to getting a job. Now that was the general thought of an average woman, imagine being a BLACK woman during this time. Her job was twice as hard as that of a white woman, hell black women were forced to nurse and raise not only her children (if she was allowed to keep them) but the slaveowners children too! Often times black women who were enslaved were force to have sex with their owners, and threatened to be killed if they said anything. (add more info) Being a woman in America means bearing the weight of the world on your shoulders. Being a black woman in American means that you not only bear the weight of the world on your shoulders, but you also carry the burden of not being taken serious when it comes to the workforce. Being a black womyn in America means carrying the burden of not being able to speak out about your feelings, with the fear of being labeled as "loud" "ghetto" or "obnoxious." Being a black womyn in America means being glorified only for your physical attributes, and knowing that the more curves you have determines how "sexy" you are to man. Being a black womyn in America means having to constantly prove why you're better qualified for a position that Becky with no prior experience will get over you. Being a black womyn in America means healing from trauma that you never received closure or an apology for. Being a black womyn in America.... yeah, it's a full-time JOB! Quote: "A womyn is strong, independent, & confident. Period sis, lol!" -A mixed womyn, mother of 2 "Removing "man" from WoMYN" “Where does your Christ come from? GOD and a WOMAN. Man had nothing to do with it.” -Sojourner Truth. Whether you're a religious person or not, I think that we can all acknowledge the birth story of Christ. He was born to a virgin, immaculate conception, God was his heavenly father and Joseph his earthly. So while Truth's statement is valid, it holds no weight in the actual processing of "life." Without a man, life would not happen as we know it, but I bet you womyn would be smart enough to figure out an alternative. For centuries, womyn have been forced to live in the shadows of a man. The creation of human life consisted of taking part of men's rib and placing it into the womyn. I get it, but why can't a womyn identify as her own being? Why is it that we can't identify "women" without acknowledging men. Men have always been the dominant of the two, and have dictated the life of womyn. From their right to vote, restricting them to only household duties, hell we even have old white men who are trying to tell us what to do with our bodies! I don't know about you, but the only man I answer to is GOD. Do they fear our dominance? Are they afraid that if given the right power, and training on how to use it, that women will become the superior? this was the point that Truth was trying to make, what gives man the right to dictate a womyn's life when they had no dealings with the conception of Christ? Now this is not meant to bash men, but more of a way to bring awareness to struggles that are often swept under the rug. Being a womyn, a black womyn in America, means being able to identify as your OWN self. Being a black womyn means being bold and speaking out on what you want to do with your body, without the fear of being persecuted for it. Being a womyn, a black womyn, yeah... it's a full-time job! Quote: She is able to hold her own, she is able to have a backbone, and she is able to stand up for herself. If she has children her moral and values about life, kids, and work. Oh, and her parents! As much as we don't want to admit it our parents play a huge role in the type of woman we become or think about becoming." -A wife, mother of 2 So what does all of this mean? Why does all of this matter? Living in an America where womyn, black womyn, are being forced into sex trafficking, being revoked of the right to determine what she should do after conception, being paid twice as less as the male, and seen as the inferior human it is important to understand what defines a womyn and everyday struggles that a womyn faces. With mental health awareness and conditions on the rise, it is important to remain educated and aware of such struggles. Take accountability for your own knowledge gain, and learn to be sensitive to such situations. I am forever grateful for Sojourner Truth and the work that she did to not only abolish slavery but to bring awareness to the Women's Rights Movements. And although her original text was edited and made to fit society's values, she preserved through and continued to share her message until her demise. With feminism on the rise and the #MeTooMovement at an all time high, I can't help but to notice similarities in Truth's fight and the fight of womyn, black womyn, today! And although we have come so far, we still have so much farther to go. Quote: "Being a woman is being confident, independent, dependable, caring, loving, and a nourishing person. One of a kind. One of the strongest people on earth. A womyn is the definition of sacrifice. We sacrifice our lives and our bodies for our husbands and children. A womyn is everything a more." -A Black Womyn So how do I define being a womyn in the 21st century? Easy! Being a womyn in the 21st century is being resilient, powerful, strong, dominant, beautiful, over-coming, intelligent, and most important not taking any sh*t from anyone. Being a black womyn in (revise the paragraph above about being a black woman; positive side) Now, ain't I womyn? Check out this Ted Talk, performed by Nkechi, that featured Sojourner Truth's speech, "Ain't I a Woman" Video will be posted here Nkechi (pronounced nnn-KAY-chee) is an actress, singer-songwriter, philanthropist and painter who has worked in theater, television and film. She received her Bachelor of Science in Electrical Engineering from Stanford University and attended American Conservatory Theater's 2012 Summer Training Congress. Recent feature film credits include IFC's "A
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Hey girl, hey! I hope that everyone’s week is off to a great start! I hope that you all have made a to-do list for this week, filled with goals that you want to accomplish, and I hope that you’re checking them off one-by-one! As you can see from the title of this week’s post, we’re diving into friendships and being unequally yoked with people. I don’t know about you all, but I feel like this topic is so befitting for the way I am evolving in life. I have watched many so-called friends come and go in my 22 years of living. People who said that they would always have my back and would support me no matter what, have quickly turned a blind eye when life got too difficult. And don’t get me wrong, I respect that everyone handles life differently and I’m not expecting to talk to you everyday, but at least learn to keep your word…. Whew chile, didn’t I tell you this topic was befitting? Before I get too ahead of myself, let’s do this the right way… Grab your wine glasses and let’s get into the topic: “Check ya friend’s list: being unequally yoked!”
Now, in order to be able to “Check ya friend’s list” I feel like we have to first define what a friend is and what do friendships consist of. I define a friend as being someone of your equal. Meaning that you as my friend and me as yours, have an equally, mutual understanding that if one person is slacking we will do everything that we can to pick them back up; being sure that we are not mentally and emotionally draining ourselves. I know that as my friend you will tell me what I need to hear and not what I want to hear at that moment. As a friend, you understand that you will not always have the opportunity to talk and spend time with each other, but whenever we link up it’s nothing but positive vibes. Friendships are about give and take! Friendships are about empowering each other as well as others, and not tearing down the next person to feel good about yourself. I have met some amazing people in my line of work that have become more of a friend than people that I have been friend’s with for years. The older I get the more I realize that when it comes to any type of relationship, it’s not about the time you spent building that relationship but rather the vibe and the connection between you and that individual. In "Self-Care/Mini-Mental Check-in" I talked about vibes and learning how to discern spirits of potential candidates, and you know what? The same thing applies to friendships! And you can definitely tell the type of friendship that you may or may not have with someone, just based on your first encounter with that person. I remember my choir teacher from high school pulled me to the side one day and gave me a true heart-to-heart. Again, he told me what I NEEDED to hear versus what I wanted him to say. He spoke to me about the people I was hanging around, the guy I was dating at the time, and me being disobedient to my “calling” Chillleeee, when I say he got me all the way together, I truly mean that. To spare you the time, he basically told me that I was unequally yoked with the people around me and until I changed that I would be uncomfortable. You know when you’re around individual(s) who just don’t fit your criteria, meaning they just aren’t going the same direction that you are. And when you’re in this space you have a heavy feeling of being uncomfortable…and that’s what I had been experiencing. Now it didn’t happen for me right away, being that I was a young, dumb teenager, but overtime his conversation with me finally made sense. "So how exactly do I check my friends list?"
It is my hope that something I have said has helped you in some way. I hope that you truly take the time to evaluate the people that you have around you and call your friend. Remember, in wine there’s truth! Until next time, Ashley Hey Girl, hey!I hope that at this point of the week, everyone is off to an amazing start and has checked a few things off of their to-do list. This week, I had planned to go in so many different directions. I wanted to continue our talk on “I’m Single, now what?” but then I wanted to start on “Check ya Friend’s List.” I guess that you can say it was a hunch or maybe just my intuition, but I decided that we needed to check in with each other... so grab your wine glasses and let’s get to it. This past week, I received so many overwhelming DMs, text messages, and phone calls talking about my recent post on dealing with breakups. While most of the conversation was spent on how well written it was and how much it helped the person, I couldn’t help but notice a common theme. Life has been kicking everyone in the ass lately! From relationships, to work, family, health, and everything else under the sun. Let me be the first to tell you sis, you are not alone! I’m one that believes in the stars being aligned and if they aren’t then things in my life will be off. If you check out my video from April entitled, “Let’s Keep it Real” I did a mini-mental check-in right around the time that the school semester was ending. In the video I talked about how as young people we’re always being told that we shouldn’t stress and worry about things because “we’re living in the best times of our lives” and “we should just let things go and enjoy life.” I have said it once and I will say it again, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE YOUR MOMENTS! You are allowed to not have everything figured out, you’re entitled to your tears, and you are allowed to isolate yourself from others. I think that so often we get caught up in the routine of living that we forget what it means to truly live. We’re going off to college, starting small businesses, working our 9-5’s and losing ourselves in the midst. Society tells us that if we don’t go to college or we don’t land some successful job that we can’t make it, and so we find ourselves stressing because we’re trying to fit into the “norms.” Stop it! Stop letting society dictate who you are and how you should live your life. Yes, it’s easier said than done however if you never attempt to change the narrative how will you ever know if you’ll fail or succeed?
A flower cannot grow without the proper care. That means watering it daily, providing it with adequate sunlight, proper food, and additional TLC. Our bodies and souls are the same way. We cannot grow if we do not have the necessities in order to do so. Working in a hospital, I have seen people come in simply because they have not taken care of themselves. They have allowed themselves to be overworked, overstressed, and not get the proper amount of sleep. You still don’t get it? Well let me break it down like this… if you have a garden full of beautiful flowers and vegetables, you cannot expect it to grow if you allow people to walk all over it and keep it from the sunlight. You cannot expect to grow tomatoes if you are not giving the seeds the proper nutrition. If that seed is not growing, you are doing something wrong or lacking something. Still not getting it? Maybe the environment that you have your plant in, is not suitable for its growth. You cannot expect to grow in areas of your life if you are surrounded by bad roots! If you find yourself at a stand-still in life, check the roots around you. Check your garden, because it may be time to prune the dead things that are keeping your garden from flourishing! It is my hope that something I said has inspired you or caused you to evaluate your garden. Continue to stay focused, stay humbled, and stay safe! Love and light to everyone on this new month. I hope that your journey is everything you expect it to be. Until next time, Ashley Okay it’s time to grab your bottle, yes your bottle, of Cabernet because this one is going to be juicy! Ever since I came up with the idea of doing a blog, I struggled with using relationships as content; specifically my own. I’ve always been an open book, to a certain extent, but sharing my personal business was never it. However, with a topic like this my experience could very well help someone else…. So here goes nothing….
I was in a relationship for 4 years with my high school sweetheart. I loved him endlessly, with everything I had in me. We did everything together! We traveled together, shared date night, planned our future together, started new traditions together; whatever you could think of we did it. I was so in love that I started to forget who I was, and I can’t speak for him, but I think he was feeling the same way. For each time that we laughed, we argued. For each time we said, “I love you” we said, “I’m done!” Breakups were becoming more common than dates. We learned to put a Band-Aid over the wounds and put a smile on towards each other that said “I’m hurting, but for the sake of not arguing I’ll just say—“It’s all good, I’m just tripping.” (Now don’t get me wrong, we’ve shared some amazing moments together and it wasn’t always this bad!) This went on for about 2 years of the relationship, between the transition of college, not seeing each other all of the time, infidelity, and the lies we were just slowing breaking each other down. It didn’t get bad until one year ago, and shockingly IT WASN’T BECAUSE OF HIM! He had changed everything for me, and we were on the right track, but of course as women we think too hard into things and always think that someone is “playing” us. Looking back now from having already experiencing it, I can honestly say that I was trying to mold him into my ideal man when he was already that! Yeah, he had flaws, he messed up, but so did I! I can remember when my grandmother passed away, I became so angry towards him, because I felt like he wasn’t being there for me the way I needed him to be! I loved his presence, but the things he was doing to “be there for me” just wasn’t enough (or so I thought) Looking back now, I feel like a fool for the way I treated him. It took death, almost a year of being apart, and a trip to New York alone for me to realize that throughout our entire relationship I wasn’t accepting of his truth. He had his way of dealing with things and I had mine, the way he chose to “be there for me” was his truth! He was doing the best he could, for the point he was at in life, and for me to act as though it wasn’t enough was childish! Now this is NOT moment to bash myself, because he did his fair share of BS too! I mean really, I stayed around through some tough stuff, that most people would have folded on cheating, lying, me being blamed for his fails…. but looking back I wouldn’t change a thing. I loved our experiences together, we learned so much from each other. So, you’re probably saying, “Ashley, thanks for the tea and all but what does this have to do with me?” I’m glad you asked, sis! After we broke up, I was heart-broken especially knowing that it was all my fault. I went through the nights of crying my eyes out, texting him and being rejected, and even doing popups here and there (God is still working on me) until I realized how bad I was bringing myself down. Y'all, I can’t even tell you how bad it had gotten, and I knew he knew that I was watching him. Because it felt like for every time, I thought I was picking myself back up, he would do or say something that would add another stab to my already bleeding wound. I hated to see him move on, because I knew how attached I was… but as young women, we have to learn how to get to the point where we say enough is enough (or we at least fake it until we make it) We don’t need a man for validation! We are fearfully and wonderfully made, and whether or not we’re with this person or not we’ll still shine! If anything, this was a time to pick myself up and figure out who I was again. So often, as young men and women, we graduate high school dating the person who we fell in love with as freshman’s, but quickly find that once life hits the love you two once shared starts to be overshadowed by all of your new possibilities. College, moving away, new jobs, meeting new people, and it all becomes so overwhelming that you lose yourself trying to balance all of that and your relationship. Well I’m here to tell you that it’s possible to pick yourself back up after everything! If I did it, so can you! Listen sis, the best thing for you to do in this transition to the single life is to BOSS UP! AND I MEAN THAT IN THE MOST RATCHET WAY POSSIBLE! I think that one of the worse disservices we can do to ourselves, as young folks, is get so wrapped up in relationships that we forget about who we are and what we want to accomplish. I’m not saying that the transition is going to be easy, but I can promise you that it will be worth it! 1. Delete that number sis!!!!! That’s right, go to your contacts, remove the emojis and delete the number! At this point we both know that you have it memorized. You know their number, what their voicemail says, how many times they’ve changed it, and how many rings it takes before they answer. Let go! Ask yourself “why am I keeping them in my contact list?” How is this benefitting me? So many times, I wish I had deleted his number sooner, because all I did was use it during a drunk night, and what did he do? Looked at the text and kept it moving. Stop making yourself look silly, sis! 2. You might hate me after this, but those pictures you’ve been saving... yeah, those gotta go too sis! I know, I know you’re probably ready to cuss me out, but listen one night I had a little too much to drink (let’s keep it real) and I burned every picture we had ever taken together! Except for 3 lonely pictures and cards that happened to be hiding. When the swelling went down, it hurt but it helped with my journey of moving on. Now I don’t recommend burning them, but I would say gather everything and put it in a box. Then hide it away in a place that you don’t normally think about. You can never start your journey or process of moving on if you’re constantly reminded of the pain. 3. UNFOLLOW/UNFRIEND them on social media! Yes, that means Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and hell even Pinterest! Do it NOW! One of the worst things that both he and I did to each other was continuing to watch each other stories after we had broken up. Now, he liked to block me lol (hey that’s his truth) but he couldn’t stay away too long; he always came back to viewing them. And while we may want to be nosey and see if the other person is posting some juicy tea about their new boo, it’s so unhealthy! I would find out things and put two and two together about things and find myself pissed off all over again. And for what? A man that clearly didn’t want me anymore?? Someone who didn’t care about how their post made me feel. Man y’all, we got into a few arguments AFTER the breakup because of things we had posted… it would be so bad that we started saying “yeah, people been telling me about this and that” knowing damn well we had just seen it on each other’s story. So, I said all of that to say, DELETE THEM! 4. Don’t be afraid to have conversation with people of the opposite sex! I think that this is so important to understand, as young folks! I can only speak for myself in saying this, but guys would ask me out or ask for my number and I would be so afraid because of what “he” would think if he saw me. I know I can’t be the only one feeling this way… after being with someone for such a long time, it becomes difficult to get back into the world and learn how to just have fun again (not saying that relationships aren’t) as a single person. So, all through my healing process I would decline every guy that even looked my way. There was still an innocence about me that was saying “not yet sis! Just wait... your time will come” Now, I have talked to other guys in this time of separation, but there’s still a part of me that’s saying, “step back sis” So let’s work on this together Y’all! Because what we fail to realize is that no matter what, life goes on. You may not want to be cordial with someone else, but you better believe that your X is DEFINETELY talking to someone else. Don’t rush it though, sis, we don’t do rebounds… go out with your girls! Have fun! 5. Stop comparing your potential candidates to your ex. Whew child, God is still working on me with this one. I told Y’all, we did EVERYTHING together! When I say my man took care of me, he made sure that I never lifted a finger for anything; even when I wanted to! Now don’t get me wrong, materialistic things are extra—sis can cash out on herself, but it’s something about a man taking care of you!!!! So when guys approach me and their swag isn’t like his, they aren’t offering the same stability that he did, and we’re just not aligning the way he and I used to…... I’m not gonna lie, I BLOCK, REMOVE, AND DELETE. HOWEVER, we have to stop doing this ladies, because the more you compare the more you’re hindering the potential candidate from being all that they can be for you. Trust me when I tell you, they are two different people. What your X gave you is not what your new boo can and vice versa! 6. Last point for today, because I’m feeling a part two coming on…. STOP BEING UPSET WITH THEIR NEW BOO!!!! THEY DIDN’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT YOU SIS AND EVEN IF THEY DID, YOUR X HAD TO BE TELLING THEM SOMETHING DIFFERENT THEN WHAT IT WAS. Your beef/issue is not with the new chick, it’s with your X. And I’m going to leave that right there. I want you guys to know that this process is not easy, and it won’t get easier, but I promise you the second that you realize that you have to move on for you the better off you will be. I should say, as a disclaimer, I am not bashing men or women, I’m not bashing my ex-boyfriend, and I don’t have all of the answers; but I am here to be a vessel and to offer up things that helped me and are still helping me with my journey. I know you’re probably like “wait sis! I wanted more!” I can’t leave yall hanging like that, so don’t trip! This is just part one! We’ll finish this tea party, because I’m sure you’re wondering where I’m at in my journey and if he and I are on speaking terms…. Well you’ll just have to wait until I get permission for part two *wink wink* Okay sis, let’s keep it real for a second.. how many times have you been asked by one of your coworkers, classmates, or non-cultured friends “Oooh, can I touch your hair?” And how many times have you given the same tired ass look of “I wish you would!” A black woman’s hair is like her crown and I don’t ever recall someone walking up to Queen Elizabeth asking if they could touch her crown! What is it that causes our non-seasoned friends to want to touch our hair? Is it the fact that it’s so versatile? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “I just love how you can change your hair so many different ways.. my hair is so flat, it can’t do that!” So what you’re telling me is that you’re just trying to figure out how I went from a TWA (Teenie-Weenie Afro) to 24” inches of Poetic Justice.
If you follow me on Instagram (ashleyashleeashleyy), a few weeks ago I posted a poll asking is it okay for anyone other than your hairstylist to touch your hair? Now the poll didn’t perform too well, but the results that I did receive were all across the board. Some ladies gave me a flat out “Hell nah!” While others felt that it depended on the person, the hairstyle, and the situation. Now, me personally, I’m a little more laid back however that does not mean you should get comfortable touching my crown. I have a few un-seasoned friends that actually are interested in learning more about the culture and how I take care of my crown. Those are my only exceptions, other than that I do not believe in random strangers touching my hair! Now I’m not a mind reader, but I already know what you’re thinking, what about people I know? What about my man? Well sis, which one do you want me to answer first? Ya man? Personally, my X-better half knew that the only time you could touch my hair was when it was first done (because I just looked that fine) or when it’s untamed and I asked him to play in it. Other than those two exceptions, don’t test me if you value your fingers! Next question, what about people I know? Unless you’re helping me style/part/or fix my hair PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH MY CROWN. -MANAGEMENT I will only touch on this for .5 seconds, because I do have un-cultured friends, but I do not feel that it is necessary nor do I allow those not of color to touch my crown. Again, there are maybe 1 or 2 that I did let feel it, but I find myself backing away when I see others start to extend their hands. I guess I’m a little lost on the entitlement to touch our hair? You don’t go around touching your friends hair, or maybe you do, so why do you feel the need to touch mine? The moral of the story here is this: If you are un-cultured/un-seasoned, please DO NOT TOUCH A BLACK WOMAN’S HAIR! If you are apart of the culture, you know the rules so just follow them. Management thanks you kindly! I have to tell you, I had fun with this one ladies but I want to hear from you! Tell me how you feel about your crown being touched, especially without your permission! HEY GUYS!!!!! It's finally launch day and it feels like it took so long to get here. I only wish you guys knew what it took for me to get this video recorded, sent to my laptop, edited, and small enough to fit on youtube! (Maybe I'll upload a video this weekend about it)
Also, please excuse the poor quality.... I'm learning, so bear with me! Lol All that matters is that WE'RE LIVVVEEEEEE BABBBBYYYY!!!!! |
Hey girl, hey!Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog! It is my hope that something I say moves you to be the best you that you can be! And as always, remember in wine there's truth! Categories
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